by Donna Hruska

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Watch out for Windhooker Fever! Denver and its suburbs are in the midst of an outbreak of epidemic proportions. Windhooker fever (sometimes known as kite-itis) is extremely contagious. A whole neighborhood can come down with it in an afternoon. You can recognize an infected community by studying its trees. They will be wearing kites.

SYMPTOMS. Victims of kite-itis are generally children between the ages of five and twelve, although fathers as old as forty-five have been known to succumb, often with disastrous results. Mothers are rarely stricken, probably because they are too busy coping with the effects of the disease on others and not, as has been charged, because “they don’t know how to have any fun.”

The first manifestation of illness is an almost frantic desire for money (from thirty cents to one dollar, depending on local economic conditions) and a ride to the nearest store. If pressed, the victim will even spend his own funds and walk or ride a bike to the local seller of kites.

Later symptoms are stiff necks, squinty eyes, sunburned noses and muddy shoes and socks. Victims are subject to extreme depression and/or hysteria when their kite is caught in a telephone wire or carried off by an antic wind. They may resort to falling in the floor, kicking, screaming and bad-mouthing their parents to the neighbors if a new kite is not forthcoming immediately. Their conversation will be strewn with such terms as dog-fights, tails, winders and various expletives. Parents are warned not to be alarmed, as this is normal. They should also be prepared to deal with such ploys as “David stepped on my toe and made me drop my string. Now he’s got to buy me a new kite, doesn’t he, Mom?”

The patient’s room will usually be strewn with tangles of knotted string, broken wooden sticks and torn kites in various states of repair. Kites can be expected to fall out of closet doors on the heads of unwary mothers and lurk under beds, as they are impossible to store.

TREATMENT. Science has not yet discovered a miracle drug that is effective against windhooker fever. In fact, except for temporary fits of hysteria, it is generally harmless, and can be allowed to run its course. The length of an attack is usually from three to four weeks, although it may seem longer to the victim’s mother, considering all the door banging, running back and forth and the danger of catching balls of discarded string in the vacuum cleaner and stepping on broken sticks in bare feet.

Irate parents should concentrate on the value of fresh air and exercise on the patient’s well-being after the ravages of winter. Sympathy, understanding and running to the window with exaggerated displays of amazement will nurse the patient along. Replacements should be provided as often as financially feasible.

One last recommendation. Wise parents will use any time after the fever subsides to prepare themselves for the next epidemic—baseball fever—which is due to hit this area next month.

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